This is a very bizarre day. I want to curl up in ball in a corner somewhere. Retraumatized from all the 9/11 rehash that's been on TV. I could turn it off, and have...maybe not for the last time today. Saw the Falling Man last night. That had me crying. And remembering.
The morning of 9/11 I was at home. I didn't have to be at work until 3 so I was relaxing on the couch. The fact that I - and my roommate was - was awake at all is amazing. Neither of us saw day until at least 11 am or so.
But we were both up and I was watching TV. I knew immediately that something major was going on as soon as I turned to TV on, so I switched to CNN and there it was. The towers, the planes, the tragedy enfolded in front of me.
My jaw dropped at the sight, the commentary. I knew it was happening for real, but didn't want to believe it. My only thought at first was for all those people. Then the unthinkable happened when the towers dropped to the ground. Unimaginable is more like it. Still, to this day, it seems impossible that such a thing should have happened.
I called my mother. It was the only person I could think of whose voice would offer me some solace. She was as shocked as me. I heard it in her tone. A while later my job called to tell me not to come in that day. They, and the entire country, seemed to be waiting for the other shoe to drop. Wondering where it would happen. When. How. A bank as high profile as the one I was working for at the time needed to protect itself (including its people).
Six years later the shock is still there. The pain. Indeed, the pain has deepened because on top of the people who died in the initial attack there has been all the soldiers fighting overseas. Some say pointlessly, some say with purpose.
Regardless, they're still dead.
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Saturday, September 1, 2007
Late Late Late
These posts are from my festival experience in 2006. It has taken some time to put them up. I went to festival this year too, but didn't write nearly as much about it.
Wild Ending!!
I had a stroke in Denver. The train stopped to pick up passengers and let people off. I got up to go to the bathroom and I passed out! It was midday on Thursday.
Things I am thankful for:
-Being alive
-That I had stopped in a major city and wasn't out in the middle of Bumfuck Small Town, America.
-That my mother came and picked me up.
Things I am thankful for:
-Being alive
-That I had stopped in a major city and wasn't out in the middle of Bumfuck Small Town, America.
-That my mother came and picked me up.
Hit & Stay for Hours (Leaving Pt 3)
Went to Potbelly's for lunch. I had a few hours to kill before my next train headed out for Cali. On the way out the train hit a car. Killed the car's two of the car's passengers. At first the porters walking up and down the isle wouldn't say what had happened. After about twenty-thirty minutes all they said was it was a "minor mishap" that was delaying us.
Minor my ass - It made the news!
http://www.nbc5.com/news/9690355/detail.html
The mobile crime scene van arrived. I couldn't see anything. Too far back. All I saw was police walking back and forth. Chicago's finest. And the ambulance that rushed by. I smelled a lot of gas. Probably from the car we hit? Technically, we're in Berwyn, just outside Chicago.
After three hours we were finally on our way.
Minor my ass - It made the news!
http://www.nbc5.com/news/9690355/detail.html
The mobile crime scene van arrived. I couldn't see anything. Too far back. All I saw was police walking back and forth. Chicago's finest. And the ambulance that rushed by. I smelled a lot of gas. Probably from the car we hit? Technically, we're in Berwyn, just outside Chicago.
After three hours we were finally on our way.
Train Ride Home (Leaving Pt 2)
I’m on the train now. Going home. Exhausted. I am glad to be leaving Grand Rapids, but not the festival. I would like to drive to the festival next time. That would be the most fun. Then I could bring whatever camp gear I wanted, as long as it fit in the car. My ultimate dream is to take a camper. I kept passing by the RV section and wishing I had one of those to go back to at night.
My tent was definitely too small . Next time I’m getting a tent condo! The two-room kind I had before.
My tent was definitely too small . Next time I’m getting a tent condo! The two-room kind I had before.
Back in the Hotel (Leaving Pt 1)
Cushy bed, carpeting, TV, Pizza Hut, cold Pepsi.Out of the elements. Thinking about last night and listening to all those stories around the campfire about past festivals. Apparently, Janeway does have quite the reputation. She walks around talking to herself. The joke was she was talking to herself because no one else would. She was expecting people to cater to her because she was a semi-celebrity. Cokehead.
Tomorrow morning I’m off for good. Take a cab to Amtrak. I could have listened to those stories all night. I hear there’s some kind of music festival out there.
I am currently basking in the glory of getting my tent completely back into its incredibly tight canvass bag. Course now I am worn out. I have at least twenty mosquito bites on each leg from my long romp in the forest.
Tomorrow morning I’m off for good. Take a cab to Amtrak. I could have listened to those stories all night. I hear there’s some kind of music festival out there.
I am currently basking in the glory of getting my tent completely back into its incredibly tight canvass bag. Course now I am worn out. I have at least twenty mosquito bites on each leg from my long romp in the forest.
Processing the Hell Out of EVERYTHING!
Fucking dykes! The shit that blew up yesterday keeps expanding. Helen got yelled at and now she’s got to go around explaining her side. And now this is all that anyone on my subcrew is going to be talking about for the rest of the festival!
I actually thought the prank was kind of funny. Very much something a teenager would pull. But I guess legally the Coordinators have to put their collective foot down about it.
Went to Hart this morning for breakfast. Had corned beef hash and bacon (there were some eggs in their too, but I was mostly interested in the meat). The towns folk were staring at us with great curiosity. The real world awaits me in two days. I am not looking forward to it.
Decatur gave Xena and Scary Spice back…Jude was not very happy about it. We’re supposed to get a pizza out of it.
Tomorrow I work the day shift, we all do. No one without a pass gets in. Everyone else can only go out. The Festies have to be gone by high noon, or 1.
Janeway and Kisser, now there’s an interesting combination. Apparently Janeway rolled through like a regular festie this year and was expecting people to treat her like a performer. Unfortunately, some did. But Janeway does have a reputation for being a real bitch in general.
I haven’t visited the WOC tent since I been here. I’ve been way too busy. Movies under the stars tonight. Today and tomorrow there is going to be a serious mass exodus.
I actually thought the prank was kind of funny. Very much something a teenager would pull. But I guess legally the Coordinators have to put their collective foot down about it.
Went to Hart this morning for breakfast. Had corned beef hash and bacon (there were some eggs in their too, but I was mostly interested in the meat). The towns folk were staring at us with great curiosity. The real world awaits me in two days. I am not looking forward to it.
Decatur gave Xena and Scary Spice back…Jude was not very happy about it. We’re supposed to get a pizza out of it.
Tomorrow I work the day shift, we all do. No one without a pass gets in. Everyone else can only go out. The Festies have to be gone by high noon, or 1.
Janeway and Kisser, now there’s an interesting combination. Apparently Janeway rolled through like a regular festie this year and was expecting people to treat her like a performer. Unfortunately, some did. But Janeway does have a reputation for being a real bitch in general.
I haven’t visited the WOC tent since I been here. I’ve been way too busy. Movies under the stars tonight. Today and tomorrow there is going to be a serious mass exodus.
Bad Grrls
More drama between my subcrew. Decatur and Gil right in the middle of it. What else is new? What was a prank has exploded into something much larger, and is threatening to take several womyn down. Coordinator and Assistant Coords are pissed. That’s bad.
Who's the Butch?
Some women are emotionally invested in the butch/femme dynamic, but I’m not. I’ve discovered I just don’t care enough about it. This came up early this morning. Sitting around the campfire. One of our tents was dusty. Too dusty for Ally to sleep in. We were trying to figure out a way to clean it, but we didn’t have a broom. I wondered out loud if anyone had a Dustbuster. So then Ally tells me I’m femme, cause a butch wouldn’t even think anything like that.
So just like that I got tossed around from one category to another. Their standards, not mine. My standards say I am the same person I was a second before that thought crossed my mind and flew out my mouth.
Security is stressful, not because I’m afraid of bugs or strange noises, but because I’m afraid of men and their rage. Some guy rode by the front gate last night and yelled at us. Police stopped him, found out he was drunk so he got taken in custody. I like not being at the front gate. Men are willing to kill and brutalize to maintain control. Womyn usually are not. Then again, womyn don’t have control. Maybe Womyn would if they had control?
It’s 3:45 pm. WOC poety salon is going on.
So just like that I got tossed around from one category to another. Their standards, not mine. My standards say I am the same person I was a second before that thought crossed my mind and flew out my mouth.
Security is stressful, not because I’m afraid of bugs or strange noises, but because I’m afraid of men and their rage. Some guy rode by the front gate last night and yelled at us. Police stopped him, found out he was drunk so he got taken in custody. I like not being at the front gate. Men are willing to kill and brutalize to maintain control. Womyn usually are not. Then again, womyn don’t have control. Maybe Womyn would if they had control?
It’s 3:45 pm. WOC poety salon is going on.
Turkey Stealing
Shuttle crew stole the turkey back from us for about ten minutes today. Then they made the mistake of letting us know where it was hidden. In a split second daring mission a group of us from subcrew team A distracted the shuttle members and took the turkey back!
Snatched it from the trunk of the car it was hidden in. Oh, it was a magnificently wonderful display of teamwork!
Snatched it from the trunk of the car it was hidden in. Oh, it was a magnificently wonderful display of teamwork!
Time's Coming to A Close
Next week this time my train will be pulling out for Cali. I’ll be watching this place get torn down next week and it makes me sad. I’ve had so much fun and felt so comfortable here.
I’m wide awake. Slept for most of the day and I feel really energized now. My ass was dragging when I laid my head down. I’m at the back again for my last overnight. Decatur may try and do something. Got to be on the lookout for pranks.
We may get another midnight meal. Last night it was chicken, mashed potatoes, and salad.
No updates on the Xena/duck intrigue thus far. It’s almost four in the afternoon. This is my third time at festival and I’ve only gone to one workshop. And only been dragged to a handful of shows. I keep coming back cause I enjoy bonding with other incredible womyn. That’s the bottom line. All the workshops and performances are just asides. For me, anyway.
I had to escort a delivery truck this morning. That was a pain that turned into good fortune. Outland Foods didn’t bring enough food for everyone. I was near the Belly Bowl with the truck and got a much better breakfast than if I had been at the gate. But the others missed it.
Realized that if the gates are opened wide to the trans community they will still not have this energy that festival creates. Cause I’m sure large numbers of womyn would no longer patronize it (I certainly wouldn’t be back). The energy created by thousands of nothing but womyn born womyn would cease to exist in this place. It would morph into something else, not better or worse (maybe), but different. The festival would cease being what I and thousands of other womyn have experienced and come back for year after year. So in the end the trans community won’t really get what they want.
There is rumored to be a group of womynfrom a crew who camp out in the front, near the gate, who never actually go into the downtown area at all during the festival. I believe that. I wouldn’t. It’s like a tourist invasion almost downtown during the festival.
Suzie picked up the laundry this morning at 7:30 am. It’s probably done now. She went to town to do it. The clothes are probably sitting at the front gate waiting for Helen and I to pick ours up. We were the only two who sent our with Suzie.
There is the dinner bell.
Think I rode the shuttle with Melissa Ferrick this afternoon. Not sure, who she was, but I know she was a performer. She was cute.
“Are you coming, too?” she asked me. I nodded. I was too fucking tired this morning.
I need to hit an ATM soon. Definitely before I leave. I’ll see if I can get a ride into town.
I’m wide awake. Slept for most of the day and I feel really energized now. My ass was dragging when I laid my head down. I’m at the back again for my last overnight. Decatur may try and do something. Got to be on the lookout for pranks.
We may get another midnight meal. Last night it was chicken, mashed potatoes, and salad.
No updates on the Xena/duck intrigue thus far. It’s almost four in the afternoon. This is my third time at festival and I’ve only gone to one workshop. And only been dragged to a handful of shows. I keep coming back cause I enjoy bonding with other incredible womyn. That’s the bottom line. All the workshops and performances are just asides. For me, anyway.
I had to escort a delivery truck this morning. That was a pain that turned into good fortune. Outland Foods didn’t bring enough food for everyone. I was near the Belly Bowl with the truck and got a much better breakfast than if I had been at the gate. But the others missed it.
Realized that if the gates are opened wide to the trans community they will still not have this energy that festival creates. Cause I’m sure large numbers of womyn would no longer patronize it (I certainly wouldn’t be back). The energy created by thousands of nothing but womyn born womyn would cease to exist in this place. It would morph into something else, not better or worse (maybe), but different. The festival would cease being what I and thousands of other womyn have experienced and come back for year after year. So in the end the trans community won’t really get what they want.
There is rumored to be a group of womynfrom a crew who camp out in the front, near the gate, who never actually go into the downtown area at all during the festival. I believe that. I wouldn’t. It’s like a tourist invasion almost downtown during the festival.
Suzie picked up the laundry this morning at 7:30 am. It’s probably done now. She went to town to do it. The clothes are probably sitting at the front gate waiting for Helen and I to pick ours up. We were the only two who sent our with Suzie.
There is the dinner bell.
Think I rode the shuttle with Melissa Ferrick this afternoon. Not sure, who she was, but I know she was a performer. She was cute.
“Are you coming, too?” she asked me. I nodded. I was too fucking tired this morning.
I need to hit an ATM soon. Definitely before I leave. I’ll see if I can get a ride into town.
Nice Things I've Seen
Womyn playing...Womyn cuddling...Womyn free to be...
Discovering themselves in the woods amongst the trees, insects, dirt, perpetually hungry raccons and field mice.
Discovering themselves in the woods amongst the trees, insects, dirt, perpetually hungry raccons and field mice.
The Hijinks of Bored Womyn
Traffic Crew’s Xena and Scary Spice dolls have been absconded by Security Team B (or C I’m not quite sure which) from the Triangle.
There was also a threat to take Shuttle crew’s duck made by the Traffic crew earlier. Shuttle crew has gotten a restraining order on the Traffic crew to protect the duck. Shuttle also wrote a three page will for the duck just in case something happened to the duck, its ducklings would be taken care of.
Someone tried to steal the duck earlier in the belly bowl and almost got tackled. Poor duck had its legs broken and had to go to the womb for medical attention. It’s now in some secure location.
We still have our Turkey.
Decatur was plotting for us to scare the crap out of the overnight team. Her and Helen were also planning to double cross our own teammates and steal Xena and Scary from subcrew B and give it back to Traffic – for the price of a pizza.
Double and triple agents all over the place! This shit is getting crazy. And somehow I’ve found my way in the middle of it.
Not sure how that happened.
(*no real wildlife was harmed during the festival)
There was also a threat to take Shuttle crew’s duck made by the Traffic crew earlier. Shuttle crew has gotten a restraining order on the Traffic crew to protect the duck. Shuttle also wrote a three page will for the duck just in case something happened to the duck, its ducklings would be taken care of.
Someone tried to steal the duck earlier in the belly bowl and almost got tackled. Poor duck had its legs broken and had to go to the womb for medical attention. It’s now in some secure location.
We still have our Turkey.
Decatur was plotting for us to scare the crap out of the overnight team. Her and Helen were also planning to double cross our own teammates and steal Xena and Scary from subcrew B and give it back to Traffic – for the price of a pizza.
Double and triple agents all over the place! This shit is getting crazy. And somehow I’ve found my way in the middle of it.
Not sure how that happened.
(*no real wildlife was harmed during the festival)
Tuesday
I gave Ally a note on the Love Board. It said “I think you’re awesome and hot.” I do. We work together tomorrow. I haven’t seen her since I told her about the note. I figured out my type. Friends are always asking me what type of woman I’m attracted to and I could never come up with an answer. Well, after seven years in the Bay Area I finally figured it out. I am attracted to big boned Midwestern types. Didn’t realize until I came back that I missed seeing them.
I am almost afraid to face Ally tomorrow. I signed my name to the note. There’s three of me on the crew, so it’s not like signing my name told her exactly who I am. And she may know a few more. My name is kind of popular. Nothing I can do about it now.
I’ve been having a blast. Decatur likes me, though I’m not sure why. Raccoons or something outside the door of my tent. I’m on high alert! Course, how would a raccoon know where the door of my tent was?
There’s a dance happening. I’m not going. Today I worked a day shift. With the Festies here there is something strangely comforting about seeing throngs of women walking and camping in areas that were nearly empty a few days before. All the work we workers put in…to see it come to such successful fruition!
I am almost afraid to face Ally tomorrow. I signed my name to the note. There’s three of me on the crew, so it’s not like signing my name told her exactly who I am. And she may know a few more. My name is kind of popular. Nothing I can do about it now.
I’ve been having a blast. Decatur likes me, though I’m not sure why. Raccoons or something outside the door of my tent. I’m on high alert! Course, how would a raccoon know where the door of my tent was?
There’s a dance happening. I’m not going. Today I worked a day shift. With the Festies here there is something strangely comforting about seeing throngs of women walking and camping in areas that were nearly empty a few days before. All the work we workers put in…to see it come to such successful fruition!
Opening Day
Hard Lemonade is gone. Last night was incredible! Last night was what the festival is all about for me. After my shift was over I hung out with Carol, Helen, Decatur, Gil, and Randy in the Belly Bowl, the “dining area” for the workers. Others came by and joined us, like Ally and Z. We played Boggle, this card game called Bullshit, drank, talked and laughed. I had a very good time. I love hanging out with good people and just enjoying their energy. I cannot get enough of that.
At about 1 or 2 am some of us walked all the way up to the front gate to visit with the crew doing the overnight there. I didn’t get back to my tent until 3 am. Apparently my tent is close to the night stage parking lot or something. Ally told me.
I want to hug Carol and Ally is an incredible spirit. I want to hug her too, but for a different reason. She took my laundry to town and did it today. I’ll have clean clothes! I feel so appreciative all I can think of to thank her is to give her a big hug.
It’s almost 10:30 am. I can’t shower until 1 pm or so cause the showers are closed (health inspector is coming through). Glad I don’t have to really deal with that stuff.
They start letting women in today at noon. So glad I don’t have to be at the front gate. That long line of women won’t subside until it gets dark probably.
At about 1 or 2 am some of us walked all the way up to the front gate to visit with the crew doing the overnight there. I didn’t get back to my tent until 3 am. Apparently my tent is close to the night stage parking lot or something. Ally told me.
I want to hug Carol and Ally is an incredible spirit. I want to hug her too, but for a different reason. She took my laundry to town and did it today. I’ll have clean clothes! I feel so appreciative all I can think of to thank her is to give her a big hug.
It’s almost 10:30 am. I can’t shower until 1 pm or so cause the showers are closed (health inspector is coming through). Glad I don’t have to really deal with that stuff.
They start letting women in today at noon. So glad I don’t have to be at the front gate. That long line of women won’t subside until it gets dark probably.
First Overnight
Had my first overnight shift. It was pretty cool. I will probably hang out in the belly bowl til lunch, then take my shower and go to my tent. They brought us banana pancakes, oatmeal and boiled eggs for breakfast. Interesting combo. Tasted ok.
There is something called the Dome of Silence, what’s said on shift stays on shift. Kinda like Vegas. Katy is funny as hell. She calls men GM for genetic mistakes. There was another funny name she came up with, but I forgot what it was. I have to be on the lookout for Michigan Moments. Apparently everyone has them. Technically, it’s a moment when the emotional weight of being in such a wonderfully (relatively) safe place hits you. New women, Festie Virgins have them sooner. I may have had my first one yesterday when I was writing in my journal.
Wild Turkeys in the Night
Much more activity last night at the gate. Around 1 am or so there was this weird noise out in the woods. It was pretty far away at first. Ally, Carol and I were there. We didn’t know what the noise was. It sounded like a cross between a turkey and a duck, or a person trying to imitate some wildlife. It put all of us on edge. Especially me, not being a forest or nature type to begin with. Then about five minutes later we heard it again, but it was closer!
“Who’s there!” Carol yelled. There was no response.
A couple of minutes later we heard it again, but this time further away. I still didn’t know who or what it was. I was imagining some local guy out there playing a prank. The thought of an armed man coming onto the land had been on my mind, but last night out in the near pitch black of the forest I was scarring myself!
The three of us were standing there, stock still. I was half tempted to take off running. Carol had the radio in her hand, finger on the button, ready to make the call for help if it became necessary. I was half tempted to take off running – where I don’t know. Then Sherrie came rolling up in the car. She sat with us for an hour and really calmed my nerves. She explained that sometimes there are wild turkeys on the land and that might have been what it was. Before that there was no way I was going to be able to get any sleep.
There is something called the Dome of Silence, what’s said on shift stays on shift. Kinda like Vegas. Katy is funny as hell. She calls men GM for genetic mistakes. There was another funny name she came up with, but I forgot what it was. I have to be on the lookout for Michigan Moments. Apparently everyone has them. Technically, it’s a moment when the emotional weight of being in such a wonderfully (relatively) safe place hits you. New women, Festie Virgins have them sooner. I may have had my first one yesterday when I was writing in my journal.
Wild Turkeys in the Night
Much more activity last night at the gate. Around 1 am or so there was this weird noise out in the woods. It was pretty far away at first. Ally, Carol and I were there. We didn’t know what the noise was. It sounded like a cross between a turkey and a duck, or a person trying to imitate some wildlife. It put all of us on edge. Especially me, not being a forest or nature type to begin with. Then about five minutes later we heard it again, but it was closer!
“Who’s there!” Carol yelled. There was no response.
A couple of minutes later we heard it again, but this time further away. I still didn’t know who or what it was. I was imagining some local guy out there playing a prank. The thought of an armed man coming onto the land had been on my mind, but last night out in the near pitch black of the forest I was scarring myself!
The three of us were standing there, stock still. I was half tempted to take off running. Carol had the radio in her hand, finger on the button, ready to make the call for help if it became necessary. I was half tempted to take off running – where I don’t know. Then Sherrie came rolling up in the car. She sat with us for an hour and really calmed my nerves. She explained that sometimes there are wild turkeys on the land and that might have been what it was. Before that there was no way I was going to be able to get any sleep.
Today is Saturday. The craftswomyn arrive tomorrow. I love working on this crew. Love the women, the work. Even last night it was fun – despite the turkey.
Bugs love me. They are eating me up!
Every time I’ve come to festival I’ve always met the most incredible women with these incredible stories! Saw Tracy last night at dinner. She’s the first person I’ve seen from Chicago. It was good to see her.
Cowboy Coffee
I had cowboy coffee for the first time. It was not half bad. Cowboy Coffee is when you put the coffee grinds in the bottom of the pot, fill it with water and bring it to a boil. Done. So, it was not half bad considering it was the only coffee available at the time and we were tired as hell. It’s amazing what you’ll put up with if the circumstances are right.
The turkey story has made its way around the entire security team by this morning. I predict most of the workers will know by before the festival starts in two days.
I’m done for today. It is time for a nap. I’ll set my alarm for 7 pm or so to get ready for tonight. This bee or wasp keeps trying to get in my tent via the bottom netting. Three times I've knocked it off only to have it come back. Fucker!
There's a dance tonight I'm going to miss cause I'm working. I've been doing a lot of walking, but that's par for the course. When the festival starts I'll probably be doing a lot more walking.
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